Creative Work 

​

A Diary of a Vegan

 

 1 April

 

I haven’t done this for a long time. Ever since postgraduate the research works overwhelm me… well whom am I pretending to… I stop writing diaries because my life gets dull. All there’s left are books about some Greeks dead 2000 years ago and papers written by people alive about those dead people. If I were to write a diary about my life for the last 15 years, they would be like this:

            X/XX—another day

            Awake

            Eat

            Read

            Eat

            Read

            Eat

Experience the ‘I am just a fluke and am not up for the task and people should’ve realized a long time ago that I am just a fraud and the things that I do books read papers written are just intellectual gibberish’ kind of fear.

            Sleep

But today is different—the diary thing should be obvious enough— well I want today to be different. I hereby announce (to whom?) that I am going to be a vegan. I shall not exhaust myself to describe in detail the epiphany I experience in a local slaughterhouse and will not outline the same old anti-speciesist arguments for my decision (my works have tired me enough). There’s still something lying in the bottom of all these grander justifications that I want to capture in this diary, and we (who else?) shall see how long I can do this…

​

6 April

It is easier than I thought. At least for the food choosing part. I was not aware that there’s a whole vegan market of stuff. There is “impossible” (plant-based) meat and vegan beer I can buy. The grains are vegetables so I am cool. I still drink milk though… it’s a childhood thing… I shall abstain later I think. There are artificial leather shoes and wallets to substitute my earlier genuine ones. Most restaurants offer (limited) vegan dishes. To become vegan with the help of this rich array of products is like eating a piece of lettuce. Plus, the price of living a vegan life is not that much pricier than the cruel life, what a deal!

​

3 June
 

It has been a couple of months since I cut off all the meat, dairy and honey from my diet. I’m still adjusting to it. Most of the time, I’m doing pretty well. The excitement of exploring hasn’t worn off yet, but it can be a little bit difficult (or should I say awkward?) when I’m not alone. Somehow I can’t get rid of the overwhelming feelings of embarrassment when I eat with my friends. It takes me so much courage to say, “Hey guys, I’m vegan. I can’t eat this.” Deep down, I know I’m entitled to whatever lifestyle that I choose, besides I’m not preaching or forcing anyone else to go vegan. But being a vegan seems to be an unjustified or unvalidated reason to ask other people to kindly take my vegan diet into consideration. Now when I am writing this down, I can see how my worries are ridiculous cause none of my friends made a big deal out of it after my vegan come out.

I keep thinking why I don’t feel unequivocal about my vegan identity, and where does this constant urgency of making substantiated and meaningful statement come from? Back in high school, my best friend happens to be a Muslim. She was never hesitant to speak out about her Muslim diet and seemed to feel comfortable sitting among us even when she didn’t eat. Nobody questioned her about her diet because we know and respect her religion. See? That’s the problem. Religion sounds serious. Religion is supposed to mean something more profound than veganism does. A Buddhist’s vegetarian diet is associated with religious and philosophical beliefs, but my vegan choice is associated with lifestyle, which sounds vain and shallow, animal ethics which might remind people crazy provocative protests, and environment protection which in many people’s eyes are futile and hippie. It almost feels like that unless I can make an incredible speech which explains my dietary choice in a socio-political context and to a global audience like Joaquin Phoenix did on Oscar, I would always suffer from self-doubts.

I imagined all obstacles that I would possibly encounter before I choose this path, however, out of my expectation, the hardest part is to validate my own choice. I realized that veganism is frequently categorized as an alternative lifestyle that implies there exists a mainstream or more acceptable way of living, so you need to come up with reliable and convincing reasons in order to be accepted by the majority of society. I’m aware that I have no responsibility for clarifying my intentions, in fact, we never talk about why we chose veganism when hanging out with my vegan friends, it’s just a very natural thing for all of us. But, still, I, as a vegan, internalize the idea of being a vegan is not the most common/mainstream choice, of the necessity to clarify, to defense, and to explain myself. But you know what? I don’t need to feel intimidated, less justified among non-vegans. No gay person is obligated to explain why he decided to be a gay and feel causing extra troubles for being a gay. 

Next time, I should try to order vegan foods with a more unapologetic attitude, instead of worrying about looking pretentious.  

​

24 June 

I had an argument with my colleague during lunchtime today. It was really cringy when I think of it now. It started with him asking me how I feel about Natalie Portman’s veganism and feminism speech at WE DAY. I said that it was pretty cool because her speech sent a critical but frequently neglected message that veganism is not just about animals and environmental issues; it relates to we human beings’ status quo. My colleague, Ben, said, “Right, but she was addressing this particular way of living to 16000 students. Don’t you think it is kind of irresponsible?” I asked, “What do you mean by irresponsible?” Actually, I know perfectly well what he means. I just didn’t know how to respond to him, so I asked to buy me a few seconds. Ben continued, “Well, I mean, she is quite privileged. Those young students don’t enjoy what she has. I mean, like a nutritionist or extra money to buy diverse foods.” Aha! The same old question again! 

How do you get enough nutrition? Isn’t veganism just for privileged rich people? These questions are among the most annoying and often referred ones for vegans. If you ask any vegan one of those questions, they will probably be irritated. But I think there is another reason for the low tolerance. Vegans don’t know how to answer, at least I don’t know, because these questions addressed some of my doubts. Part of me agrees that Ben is not entirely wrong about Natalie being irresponsible. For me, there are two reasons. First, I have to admit that veganism is not cheap. No matter how Natalie advocated about a cheap choice like beans or rice, it is just impossible for people to live a healthy life by just eating those things. Young students might practice veganism out of great reasons, but it’s irresponsible or even misleading without honestly talking about the price (both financially and healthily) they might have to pay. Besides, I get the idea that consuming milk and honey is another way of exploiting female bodies. But I against the statement that if you’re not a vegan, you’re not as a feminist as you thought. It is just not right! I’m a supporter of stopping animal exploitation. But implying a milk drinker who truly cares and practices equal rights is a pseudo-feminist is very wrong. In this sense, these very inconsiderate remarks, more or less, proved Natalie’s privileged position.

I have trouble saying to Ben, “I think you have a point.” I admit the fact that veganism has a high threshold. It makes me very uncomfortable every time I think of an -ism which is meant for the good of the whole world is, in fact, excluding. Again, the insecurity of my vegan identity returns. Every time I announce being a vegan, I’m also saying, “Hey! I’m privileged. I have the power to do something better for myself and the world. Why don’t you join me?” I sound like an asshole. Of course, everyone is entitled to celebrate and be proud of who they are, their own identities. But should I be proud of being a vegan? If I’m 100% honest, who I am, as a vegan, is heavily decided by what I shop, eat, use, or in the short term, consumerism. My vegan way of life is not free of vanity; instead, it is influenced by instagramable images. 

I am guilty. Yes, I know doing something is better than no actions at all. But how can I internalize this vegan identity is my real challenge here.

 

2 September
 

It took me a lot of efforts to reopen this diary and decide to continue writing after more than two months. I even don't dare to read what I have written before about how I made up my mind to be a vegan and how I've been through these five months. I used to believe that being a vegan may bring me a new and alternative identity, but in halfway, I find myself so lost, and so is my original identity. Yesterday I had dinner with my family. We went to a Spanish restaurant to celebrate my sister's birthday. She always has many fantasies about Spain. But the moment I saw the menu, I looked and looked carefully again. I found the only dishes I could order were Dijon mustard watercress salad, roasted padrón peppers, and vegetable paella. I wanted to order the vegetable paella since the first two seemed not enough for dinner, and I have NO IDEA how the roasted peppers could be a dish. Then I told my family I'd like to order the vegetable paella and then they told me that the paella is ONLY for 2 PERSONS, not for one and since I was the only vegan there it would be a waste if I ordered that. Yea, 258$ for the paella, how could it be only for one person? Do the Spanish never eat alone? What on earth does a Spanish vegan eat every day? Such meaningless questions continued coming up in my mind for a long time. My parents realized my disappointment and asked if I could order something else that I could eat. I pretended to be calm and said, "it's fine, I'll order the salad, and that's enough." Then my little sister said, "we can order seafood paella, and you just don't eat the seafood in it, only the rice. It will be okay for you." Then the rest of the story I don't actually remember much, except the part that I shouted out loud at her screaming, "It's not okay, you know nothing about vegan." and I only had a salad in that dinner. The birthday banquet became an unpleasant "dinner" for all of us. 

I don't even know why I was so mad at her at that time since she wasn't under any obligation to know well what vegans eat and how we eat, and she was just proposing what she thought was acceptable and enough for me to eat. In the end, that salad didn't get me full. I ruined that dinner, and it was ALL MY FAULT. My sister just acted the same as many of my non-vegan friends: being nice but may be wondering why vegans are so picky about the diet. I collapsed because they are my family, and I can't let them always consider my vegan diet every time we go out for meals. Even further, what if I have my own family in the future? We need to eat together every day, what if they are non-vegans? Shall we cook separately, or should I encourage them to become vegans also? Would that be too selfish? These questions kept lingering in my mind. My parents also told me that I became more and more sensitive since I became a vegan, and sometimes, they looked at me and felt that I was another person. Am I? Have I become another person and got a new identity through being vegan? But as a vegan what I've been doing is just NOT DOING something instead of DOING something actively. Abandoning something is not easy, but it never seems to be an active action. Can one really claim that he's XXX just because he is NOT doing something? I've never doubted these questions before, but now I become more and more confused about it.

 

20 September
 

I read an article titled I Quit Veganism And It Saved My Life today which talks about how veganism ruins one's health by destroying the nutrition balance. I've no idea why I would read that since I haven't had any health problems yet since I became a vegan. Maybe I'm just a bit too anxious recently. Vegan influencers quit one by one for personal or health reasons. I don't actually care much about these vegan "celebrities" and don't follow them that much on social media either, but still, I continue to receive the news about their quits. Some of them were even caught eating meat or fish before they announced their quit, and they were called LIARS by their vegan followers. Even Natalie Portman admitted she temporarily stopped being vegan while she was pregnant. I don't really enjoy those vegan gurus on Instagram, their posts all look very fancy, maybe too fancy that they look quite "celebrity culture" for me. But what depressed me the most is that many of them are quitting while they seem to be more privileged and enjoy more resources. 

I've never thought about health issues at my age, but they are also really young. My anxiety comes from an uncertain future in which I have no idea where veganism will lead me or how far I can go. I also have vegan friends, but we don't really talk about the reason why we choose to be vegans. Meanwhile, my parents recently started to worry about my physical and mental status. They repeatedly remind me that B12, zinc, protein, these are all nutritions that can be hard to get from a vegan diet and to keep healthy, I don't necessarily need to stick to vegan diet 24hours seven days.  Because I'm not famous, no one will be peering into my life all the time to see if I've always been 100% committed. Also, some famous people are only part-time vegan or vegetarian. But then what if I take this step away from veganism, will I take another step and then go farther and farther away from my original goal? Then what's the point of the whole thing I've been sticking to in the past months? I can't deny that the idea of partially giving up veganism has come to my mind many times. Especially every time I go out with non-vegan friends and see how they react when they have to consider my needs while choosing restaurants and ordering. They won't say anything, but I know I bring them extra scenarios to consider. And every time I think of the idea about partially giving up, I feel so guilty and start to question my vegan identity again. What's worse is that it seems mission impossible to keep a balanced and diverse nutrition intake while cutting so many out. Maybe in the future, I will seek professional help from nutritionists. Am I really privileged enough, in terms of finance, fitness, mentality, to go through the vegan journey? Should I work up veganism progressively instead of cutting out all ties with meat and meat products for good immediately? If I have done it gradually, will things be easier for me now? I just can't think anymore. I shouldn't continue these questions that are doomed to have no answers. 

But well, what's the reason I decided to become a vegan in the beginning? I suddenly can't remember it now.
 

​

​